A gay take on summitryLet’s be honest. The summit between Roh Moo-hyun and George W. Bush has some serious homosexual underpinnings.
Exhibit A: The Korean government has spent big money this week to buy ads in U.S. newspapers in order to compare Mr. Roh with Abraham Lincoln. Now, Mr. Bush is a Republican. And the Republican group that reveres Lincoln the most is the Log Cabin Republicans. And the Log Cabin Republicans are gay.
Get it? No?
Exhibit B: It is well known that the desire for power is just suppressed homosexual urges. Scholars and cult leaders have practically proved this. Both Mr. Bush and Mr. Roh are power mongers. Mr. Bush has started (or finished, depending on your grip on reality) two wars during his two years in office, finishing off the Taliban and Saddam Hussein; Mr. Roh has started his own wars, and it remains to be seen whether he can finish off this newspaper and the others that dare to criticize him.
Still not getting it?
Exhibit C: During the 2000 election, Mr. Bush chose as his “running mate” a man named “Cheney.” And Mr. Roh uses Botox.
We here at Itaewon Wanderings, to get some deeper insight into the summit, sent our Apprehenders of Politicians’ True Motives team to talk to the best-looking gay man in town, Seo Young-sik. We’ve known Mr. Seo for about a year, and although we’re not gay ourselves, we have always noticed that he has some nice underpinnings.
The dazzlingly handsome and charming Mr. Seo runs Itaewon’s mellowest gay bar, Always Homme, and its rowdiest, WhyNot. At 39, he is so tall, slim and blessed in the facial features department that he could pass for 22. Of course, at his home he has locked in a closet a ghastly portrait of himself, all haggard and hoary.
We got Mr. Seo to sit down with us at Always Homme for a gin and tonic, then asked him what he wanted Mr. Roh to tell Mr. Bush this week. But Mr. Seo turned the question around.
“Of course, I want Bush to tell Roh to improve the human rights situation for gays in South Korea,” he said. “But I know that won’t happen, that they have more important things to talk about. If they talk about human rights, they will talk about helping North Koreans.”
We asked if he was worried that Mr. Bush would order an attack against North Korea. “No,” Mr. Seo said. “North Korea is different from Iraq; it has no oil.”
And what about the question of relocating U.S. troops, which would involve closing down the Yongsan base? “That would be a big problem for us,” Mr. Seo said. “Many of our best customers are soldiers from Yongsan. But I’m not supposed to tell about that, and you’re not supposed to ask.”
We checked our watch to make sure it wasn’t 1996, then proceeded to the last question: Who is better looking, Mr. Roh or Mr. Bush?
“Don’t make me laugh,” Mr. Seo said.
We asked him for his prediction for the summit, but he didn’t want to stick his neck out.
Our prediction? Surely, this summit will separate the men from the boys. With a crowbar, if necessary.
by Mike Ferrin
More in Features
Kakao TV launches this month, takes on Netflix
[TURNING 20] In a sea of hate, change flourishes
Criticism of sex ed books for kids raises more questions than answers
When it comes to sex ed, this Danish author says just talk about it
The traveling grandma who's 'alive and kicking it'