In games of politics, players need some rules

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In games of politics, players need some rules

Say you just broke up with your girlfriend and she was getting married next month to some other dude. Would you go to her wedding? Probably not.
Now say you had a liposuction operation. Would you watch the tape at a family dinner? Once again, I think not.
Now say you had once enjoyed the drama of being an athletic champion or playing in a championship. Would you then go ahead and take a stab at the political arena? It doesn’t make much sense, does it?
It does to Lee Man-ki. A ssireum legend in the 1980s, he has decided to make a run for it in the April legislative elections, when the nation’s citizens vote for their National Assembly members.
After learning of his plans, I just felt sorry for the man. On the other hand, maybe Lee knows what he’s doing. After all, being a lawmaker in Korea takes much more than knowing how to walk the thin line of party politics.
Consider CNN’s headline last week regarding the impeachment of President Roh: “South Korea president impeached amid physical battle.” No question about it, physical strength is definitely an asset if you want to survive in the assembly.
If Lee makes it, hats off to the guy. After all, he is the authority in shoving, pushing and throwing ― all essential skills for being a lawmaker on the peninsula.
Rather than seeing his physical skills exploited by a political party, I sincerely wish he would try to get some new laws passed that are desperately needed in the assembly. Here are a few he might consider:

1. Excessive use of hair grease should be forbidden.
2. Lawmakers should have restraining orders against each other. Touch another lawmaker’s body with intent to harm, and you lose your assembly seat for life.
3. Lawmakers who throw or damage furniture (which is paid for with taxpayers’ money) within the assembly hall should replace the items and be fined a year’s salary for their barbarian behavior.
4. As the people’s servants, lawmakers must use the polite form of the Korean language when speaking. Any violation is punishable with a super-sized paper clip applied to the mouth.
5. If a lawmaker declares a hunger strike, a security perimeter should be put in place to ensure that absolutely NOTHING gets through. Each member cannot exceed his hunger strike declaration quota of once per term.
6. A quota for issuing “apologies to the people” will be enacted and enforced. Any assembly member going over the limit is released for incompetence.
7. The three-strikes rule is enforced. You raise your fist, that’s one. You hurt someone, that’s two. You throw an object, that’s three and that’s it. See ya, pal.

Just once before I die, I would love to see these changes put in place.
But there’s more, because lawmakers have to realize that at that age many could hurt themselves, and frankly, it gets boring.
All of this would certainly be on the level of asking the Boston Red Sox to win the World Series, and we know that every time, and I mean every time, they manage to screw it up. And politicians are pros at screwing up while screwing others.
So let’s all pray that one day a gigantic meteorite hits the assembly ― it’s the best thing that could happen to us.


by Brian Lee

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