[LETTERS TO THE EDITOR]A dog’s view of the Games

Kaka is a self-educated and very wise dog. He lived in the streets before joining our family. He loves to watch TV with us, and he has a very unique look on his face when he wants us to change the channel.
These days, he is particularly interested in the Olympic Games. I think it is the first time he’s watched the Olympics. When I come home, he’ll jump on the sofa facing the TV, lie down and wait for any games to come out of the box. Last night, he couldn’t help but say:
“Dad, you humans are a very strange and rather complex species. I often watch TV [he likes dramas], and what I see are usually men shouting at women, sometimes the other way around, for idiotic reasons, lots of people drinking, fights between people with constipated faces, so I felt these were about the sum of all your feelings. But now I realize that humans love games, too.
“Yes, Kaka, to keep humans happy, despite our complicated lives, as you observed rightly, some of us have arranged that we have these games.”
“But it seems to me that these games are like sporadic mini-wars, so what’s the fun?”
“Well, it defuses tensions.”
“So games are wars with rules, no one gets really hurt and, on top of that, you pay to see them?”
“Yes, more or less.”
“What’s on the menu for tonight?”
“Dog meat, if you don’t stop with your wise mouth.”
“And you have no sense of humor, either. Let me tell you the 10 worst things about these games
“1. KBS, SBS and MBC announcers shout their happiness when Korea’s opponents miss a shot or fail to perform. They should be meat for dogs.
“2. Some countries list two or more athletes per any particular game against other nations represented by only one athlete. It’s like the Lotto; the more tickets you buy, the better your chances of winning. Totally unfair.
“3. Most games are held in stadiums where 80 percent of the seats are empty.
“4. Humans are so full of it that in some games, you cannot stop counting the medals because they have so many sub-sub-categories.
“5. Some of the athletes in women’s gymnastic are so young that it’s child slavery. They weigh one-third what their coaches do.
“6. Most athletes look for ways to use body-enhancing substances without getting caught. When they get caught, first they deny, then they say they never knew it was illegal. I hope it tastes good, at least.
“7. Gold medal winners cry when they win. Losers too.
“8. Many athletes work four years to get knocked out of competition in a few seconds. Do they ask for political asylum?
“9. Basketball and volleyball athletes are so tall. Why not put the nets higher?
“10. Many sports have professionals participating.”
“So why do you watch the Games so intensively?” I asked.
“Because some of the Korean female athletes look good.”
Wise Kaka, but still a dog.

by Pierre Cohen-Aknine