[WHY] 1 envelope, 2 bows, 3 days: How to attend a funeral in Korea

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[WHY] 1 envelope, 2 bows, 3 days: How to attend a funeral in Korea

Published: 16 Nov. 2024, 06:00 Updated: 21 Nov. 2024, 15:39

SARAH CHEA
[email protected]

Audio report: written by reporters, read by AI

Korea's three-day funeral custom carries various ″unspoken″ rules from what to wear, how much to offer as condolence money and how to behave. [GETTY IMAGES BANK]

The juxtaposition of a hospital, a place of healing, rising above a basement housing a funeral hall is a quirk of Korea, a country that commonly spends three days on a funeral with very elaborate traditions that have evolved over centuries.

A mobile funeral invitation letter [GETTY IMAGES BANK]

The three-day funeral, believed to have its roots in the Goryeo Dynasty (918-1392), carries lots of rituals from Confucianism, a Chinese philosophy that guided how people should live their lives.

Making blanket statements is, of course, futile. Some households that follow stricter Confucian principles still hold funerals for seven days, 16 days or even longer. For those who pass away at night or in the early morning, a four- or five-day funeral is occasionally held.

But the three-day funeral is a quintessential part of Korean culture, packed full of customs quite distinguishable from Western funerals.

And attending them comes with more than a few implicit rules, starting from which day of the three you should attend to how much to offer in condolence money and what mood you should express.

So, why is it 3 days?

Believe it or not, the custom is known to have come from a desperate desire for the deceased to return to life again.

The quality of medical care in ancient times was woefully inadequate compared to modern medicine, and there are reports of some cases in which people regained consciousness even after they were declared dead, so ancestors were known to believe — or, at least, are claimed to have believed — that their loved ones could awaken in three days.

Many traditional Korean customs were influenced by China’s, including those found in the Book of Rites, also called the Liji, which specifies that “when a superior man is engaged in mourning for his parents, no water or other liquid enters his mouth for three days, and with the aid of his staff is still able to rise.”

More historically speaking, experts say the three-day funeral truly became the norm during the 1910-45 Japanese colonial rule over Korea.

“The 100 day-funeral was common for the Joseon Dynasty [1392-1910], but the Japanese government-general of Korea in 1934 ordered an overhaul, citing its cumbersomeness, making it shorter and shorter,” said mortuary science professor Kim Shi-dug at Eulji University.

“The three-day funeral custom then became the norm after the Korean government issued the Simplified Family Rite Standards rule in 1969.”

A funeral scene featured in the TV drama “Reply 1988″ shows a festive mood with all the attendees eating and drinking together with the bereaved family. [SCREEN CAPTURE]

What’s happening for the three days?

There’s a widely-known saying in Korea that you must accept a funeral invitation without fail, even though you may skip weddings or a baby’s first birthday party for some unavoidable circumstances.

If you have a very close relationship with the deceased, be prepared to sit tight at the funeral for all three days. If you’re a close friend with a child of the departed, it’s also very common to stay up all night to mourn and share the sorrow.

Even if you are invited to a funeral for someone you don't think you are that close with, expect to visit.

The chief mourner, normally a man who is the eldest son of the departed, begins sending messages about the funeral to the deceased’s relatives and acquaintances on the first day. Relatives and family members normally visit on the first day even if the message was sent very late at night.

The second day is when most of the visitors attend a funeral. The family of the deceased in mourning attire will greet the visitors. Men mostly wear a black suit while women wear a white or black hanbok (traditional Korean dress) with a white ribbon hairpin. The chief mourner will have an armband that is easily identifiable.

On the third day, the funeral cortège departs the venue. Only the immediate family, relatives and very close acquaintances join the journey.

A person offers incense during a memorial service at a funeral. [GETTY IMAGES BANK]

Any “unspoken rules” for a guest?

Funeral attendance around the world carries a few basic rules for appropriate behavior — but a Korean funeral? A little more than that.

The wearing of black clothing, or at least a dark-colored suit or dress, is the most fundamental preparation. Ornately patterned outfits and heavily tinted makeup should be avoided. Even if it’s summer, socks or stockings are compulsory.

Don’t try to shake hands with the chief mourner by any means — it can be considered disrespectful to the deceased and the bereaved family.

Entering a room with a memorial altar, burning incense is the next step, which is believed to remove any impure spirits and refresh the body and soul. Never blow to put out the incense sticks, which could also be perceived as disrespectful to the deceased.

A strict rule dictates in the next step: You need to bow twice to the portrait of the departed. A silent tribute is followed. The specificity distinguishes the ritual from a single greeting bow and the triple bow on occasions such as the Lunar New Year or the Chuseok harvest festival.

For some religious reasons, you may skip the bow and pay a silent tribute or offer a short prayer instead.

A funeral guest, right, hands over condolence money. [GETTY IMAGES BANK]

Condolence money: What’s the right amount?

Condolence money is also something you can never skip. It is a customary offering reflecting solidarity to help the bereaved family with the financial burden of a funeral and feel supported by the community.

It’s widely considered auspicious to give money that begins with odd numbers, like 30,000 won ($21), 50,000 won or 70,000 won. While 100,000 won — under the Korean system that counts by the thousands place — starts with the even number of 10, it is considered reasonable as 10 is a sum of two odd numbers, three and seven.

If you aren’t very close to the family of the departed, 50,000 won is acceptable these days, while you should expect to offer 100,000 won or more for a close relationship.

“Stemming from the Confucian culture, many of Korea’s funeral customs come from the ‘mutual help’ principle that people need to help each other in difficult times,” said Park Tae-ho, a researcher at the Funeral Director Association of Korea, who also serves as the head of the Study Group Funeral & Cremation.

“The intention of the condolence money is to help the bereaved family, left to handle the large amount of funeral expenses,” Park added. “The reason why close friends of the deceased tend to stay all night at the funerals stems from Koreans’ will to stay with them as they may feel a kind of fear during a funeral.”

People must also find the proper envelopes, these days generally ones that have the Chinese characters for “condolence” printed on them, on the back of which you write your name, normally vertically. You can skip any message-writing.

Even if you are in an unavoidable circumstance that precludes you from attending, it’s good etiquette to send money with others going or to wire it via electronic banking.

A funeral scene featured in the TV drama “Reply 1988″ shows a festive mood with all the attendees eating and drinking together with the bereaved family. [SCREEN CAPTURE]

From drinking and food to card games: The ‘must-have’ festive mood

A funeral is an occasion that usually calls for the calmest and most soothing atmosphere. But in Korea, it must be amicable and bustling at the same time.

There is a saying that it’s better to make the reception room next to the altar room never empty but crowded with people eating and drinking. It could be one of the reasons why Korea has the tradition that the bereaved family and close friends of the deceased remain present in the altar room overnight.

Expect to be served a meal when attending a funeral. It’s a simple meal, most commonly yukgaejang (spicy beef soup) with boiled pork slices and a few banchan (side dishes), offered by the bereaved family to show their gratitude toward funeral guests.

Drinks are ordinarily available at a funeral, but with some rigid rules. People should fill up their glasses on their own, and avoid toasting with others. Obviously, never get too drunk.

Playing card games is also socially acceptable, an attempt to ward off a gloomy mood. Many older Koreans used to play hwatu, a card game also known as "Go-Stop," in the reception room with soju, though this culture has largely died out as the generation passed.

White lilies and chrysanthemums are the standard funeral flowers in Korea. [GETTY IMAGES BANK]

Is Korea the only country with a 3-day funeral?

Basically, the three big East Asian countries — Korea, China and Japan — share similar customs and traditions and do three-day funerals these days. However, specific rituals and processes vary.

Chinese funerals are known to be filled with constant funeral songs as a way to mourn the departed. People are hired to carry the casket, and paid musicians, singers, dancers and wailers accompany the mourners.

Funerals in Japan are similar but more silent and calm. The first day is often held at the home of the deceased with a small gathering of immediate family and relatives. Guests are invited to a funeral hall starting on the second day.

Western funerals tend to be shorter than Asian ones. Funeral hymns and prayers are common parts of funerals, and serving food during the ceremony is never the norm.

“In the United States, funerals are normally held for around two hours, and instead of serving food, attendees [sometimes] bring light food like sandwiches and cookies to share with the bereaved family,” said Professor Lee Jeung-sun who teaches mortuary science at Eulji University, although traditions vary by region or family based on culture.

“Unlike Korea, which unofficially defines white lilies and chrysanthemums as funeral flowers, people in Western countries don’t have limitations on flower types or colors. They usually select flowers the departed liked most in their lifetime.”

Bundles of white chrysanthemums are left near the Exit 1 of Itaewon Station in Yongsan District, central Seoul, on Nov. 28, 2022, to mourn the victims of the crowd crush tragedy that claimed 159 lives on the night of Oct. 29. [NEWS1]

The United States has a culture of viewing the body — the wake — a ritual that is not mandatory where people can actually see the deceased’s body to express their condolences directly. The country tends to have cemeteries in cities, unlike Korea, which usually has them in rural areas.

Some countries like India and Nepal have way longer funeral procedures. India requires people to cremate the body within three years of death and hold the funeral for 10 days.

If the cause of the death is due to a kind of epidemic, cremation is prohibited in accordance with some Hindu religious reasons. It’s a very widely practiced tradition to burn the body and release it into the Ganges with a belief that it will reach the end of the rebirth cycle, considered the ultimate goal of life.

Nepal has a 13-day funeral tradition, and the bereaved family avoids eating food with salt during the period as the ingredient is considered sacred.

A funeral scene featured in the TV drama “Reply 1988″ shows a festive mood with all the attendees eating and drinking together with the bereaved family. [SCREEN CAPTURE]

More deaths coming: Industry doomed to boom

Korea’s acceleration toward an aging society is driving a stampede of cash into the funeral industry.

Korea is predicted to become a super-aged society next year, meaning that 20 percent of its total population is 65 or older. The percentage is even expected to reach 40 percent in 2050, according to a forecast by Statistics Korea.

A total of 8.92 million people in Korea are subscribed to any kind of funeral-related program like insurance as of March this year, up 120 percent compared to 2015. Down payments surged 168 percent to 9.45 trillion won during the same period, according to data from the Fair Trade Commission.

“Holding a three-day funeral costs around 10 million won, and there were around 350,000 deaths in Korea last year alone, which means that people spent at least 3.5 trillion won just on funerals,” Prof. Kim said.

Putting that amount into perspective, the professor said, “That’s more than half of Samsung Electronics’ full-year net profit last year. The funeral industry is a growing one, and must be all about growth from now.”

The Korean government also upped this year’s budget for healthcare and welfare for seniors to 25.65 trillion won from 2014’s 6.4 trillion won, a 300 percent increase.

The Seoul Metropolitan Government earlier in the year also announced it would add four more cremation units in Memorial Park in a bid to tackle the shortage amid increasing demand. Korea needed 131 cremation units a day in 2019 and 152 in 2023, and that will likely rise to 170 in 2028.

“Two out of ten people in Korea have signed up for at least one kind of funeral arrangement program as of now, and the percentage for young people in their 20s and 30s is growing rapidly,” said Jeon Hae-rin, a researcher at Samjong KPMG Economic Research Institute.

“The rise of single-person families, old people living alone, and those without families and friends contribute to the growth of the funeral industry.”

Bundles of white chrysanthemums are left at Exit 1 of Itaewon Station in Yongsan District, central Seoul, on Nov. 3, 2022, after the crowd crush tragedy claimed 159 lives on the night of Oct. 29. [CHOI YEONG-JAE]

BY SARAH CHEA [[email protected]]