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Love is an art — and a skill

Published: 19 Mar. 2025, 00:05

Choi Hoon

The author is a professor at Hallym University.

As I walked past a convenience store, a colorful banner caught my eye. “White Day!” it proclaimed, above shelves stacked with an assortment of candies. My wife rarely eats sweets, but today, I figured, would be an exception.

White Day. The tradition is said to have originated in Japan. The idea was simple: on Valentine’s Day, women would express their love with chocolates. A month later, on March 14, men would reciprocate with gifts — typically white chocolates, white candies, or even white handkerchiefs. Over time, the holiday evolved into a more general occasion for men to give sweets to their partners. Love, it seems, comes with an endless list of occasions to observe. And love, as always, is never easy.

In truth, love was never meant to be easy. If it were, why would so many people shed tears over heartbreak? Love is not something that happens with feeling alone. It is a delicate balance of care, responsibility, respect and understanding — a work of art in itself. That is why Erich Fromm called love a skill, something one must learn, practice and refine.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg, in his “Triangular Theory of Love,” identified three essential components of a complete relationship: passion, intimacy and commitment. Commitment, he argued, is the effort required to sustain love. Even with passion and intimacy, without commitment, love remains no more than a fleeting romance.

The simplest and most common way to nurture love is through expression. “Do I really need to say it?” some may ask. But without words or gestures, how would anyone truly know? This is true not only for love but for anything intangible — without affirmation, its presence can be uncertain. Perhaps that is why people exchange rings or commemorate anniversaries with gifts: to give love a visible form.

Participants of Seongnam city's matchmaking program, dubbed ″Solomon's Choice,″ make a heart shape with their hands in November, 2024. [SEONGNAM CITY GOVERNMENT]

We are all clumsy in the art of love — so much so that, at times, we even hurt the people we cherish most. But that only means we must try harder. Even if it feels awkward, expressing love is an effort worth making. Whether it’s a box of candy on White Day or something simpler — a single flower, a cup of coffee, or just a few heartfelt words — why not take the chance to say, “Thank you. I love you.”

Translated using generative AI and edited by Korea JoongAng Daily staff.