When clumsiness feels like carelessness

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When clumsiness feels like carelessness

Published: 02 May. 2025, 00:03

Audio report: written by reporters, read by AI

Hur Ji-won

The author is a professor at Korea University, school of psychology.

There was a time when I bristled at the world, eyes sharpened by indignation. I couldn’t bear the rudeness and clumsiness of others. Why would someone act like that? What drives such behavior? I found myself irritated — at nearly everyone I encountered. But I no longer have the energy to be outraged at every moment, and I’ve acquired, I think, a modest degree of wisdom. These days, I try to distinguish between rudeness and mere clumsiness. If I sense the former, I still speak up. But if it’s the latter, I flip off a mental switch. Click. I don’t trouble myself trying to understand why someone is behaving a certain way. They just are. That person says things like that. That person acts like that. I remain in the realm of observation — because I cannot possibly know the history they carry.

Let me turn briefly to the topic of intelligence, a factor said to significantly shape individual lives. David Wechsler, a clinical psychologist in the mid-20th century, developed the intelligence test that remains the only legally recognized one in Korea today. He defined intelligence as the capacity “to act purposefully, to think rationally, and to deal effectively with one’s environment.” Possessing all three qualities is, in truth, a tall order.

A psychotherapy session. [GETTY IMAGES]

A central tenet of this test is statistical calibration — IQ averages are set at 100 across all countries. The average IQ in the United States is 100; so is Korea’s. This also means that, arithmetically, one in every 14 people scores below 80, falling into the borderline intellectual functioning range. One in 50 falls below 70, meeting the criteria for intellectual disability.

At this point, one thing must be emphasized: after administering and teaching intelligence assessments countless times, I’ve come to realize that intelligence is merely one trait among many, no more extraordinary than earlobe shape, shoe size or weight. In Confucian-influenced societies like Korea, high intelligence and elite academic backgrounds are often idealized — but intelligence is neither a moral absolute nor inherently noble. We all know people who are “only” intelligent. Just as having a certain earlobe shape makes it slightly easier to wear earrings, a certain level of intelligence can be useful in particular circumstances. But someone’s intelligence may not fall into the “convenient” range due to nothing more than genetic chance — and that can make navigating their environment more difficult. That in itself is not a problem. That is what civilization and social systems are for: to support.

What is a problem is when we treat that inconvenient trait as grounds for contempt.

A person who struggles to navigate the world might one day find an iced Americano so delicious they want to try it hot — and end up ordering a “hot iced Americano.” Or, on a particularly difficult day, they might be so overwhelmed physically that they act inconsiderately toward others in public, wearing a seemingly oblivious or “brazen” expression, unaware that their behavior is causing discomfort. They might raise their voice or push their point aggressively. It happens.

But after more than a decade of working in psychology, I’ve come to realize something uncomfortable: I was the rude one. I responded to people trying to solve problems in the only way they knew — shaped by their own histories and circumstances — with dogmatic and often harsh judgment. I may not have been clumsy, but I was deeply impolite. So I made a sharp pivot. I resolved not to judge others so quickly — perhaps because, to someone else, I too have seemed clumsy and unpleasant. For the sake of that version of myself, I wanted to lay a soft rug of tolerance everywhere I went.

I now try not to reflexively resent the clumsiness of others, not to flatten their entire history into a narrow caricature or erupt with self-righteous anger. I’ve stopped asking the pointless question, “Why are they like that?” and replaced it with “Maybe that’s just how it is.” Pretending to be gracious has become easier. I allow myself to use only so much emotional energy on these encounters, then return my focus to the broader current of my life.

One last thought: if one in 50 people qualifies as intellectually disabled according to strict statistics, why does the American Psychiatric Association estimate the prevalence at one in 100? Because roughly half of those who meet the cognitive threshold do not meet diagnostic criteria. They function independently, though clumsily, alongside others. They are living their lives, doing their best — just like anyone else.

Translated from the JoongAng Ilbo using generative AI and edited by Korea JoongAng Daily staff.