[ITAEWON WANDERINGS]In 2003, the swami Mike sees Guus, Gobi grit and gobs of graft

With the New Year here, I was all set to hand this space over to a top Itaewon shaman and her predictions for 2003. ut when I visited her -- she's up by the mosque -- she forecast that I would get sick, have money problems and convert to Buddhism. Put off, I noticed a crystal ball on the table between her and me. I gazed into it. This is what I saw for 2003:

Golf will become the national religion.

After the release of the new James Bond movie, Koreans will rise up to protest its negative image of them. Meanwhile, North Korea will send Scuds to the Raelians in exchange for cloning technology, and Kim Jong-il will begin appearing with a diminutive sidekick called "The Great Mini-Leader."

The actor Cha In-pyo will get an Oscar for best performance in a role never had.

After two days of yellow-sand winds, China will just get it over with and send the Gobi Desert here all at once.

Kim Jong-il will get his nuclear bomb, then advertise it on e-bay. Seoul will warn that it may begin to maybe think about trimming aid programs if the North doesn't at least perhaps please consider trying to bilaterally and cooperatively fulfill its no-nuke vows.

A North-South minister-level meeting will be scheduled for a Monday, and Pyeongyang will postpone it to Wednesday. Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey will not be at the grand opening of a new Itaewon nightclub.

Kim Dae-jung will pursue his real passion: music.?Dubbing himself "DJDJ," he will play a new style, "blue house music."

Roh Moo-hyun's son will be arrested in advance for graft historians say he was bound to commit. Chung Mong-joon will be turned into a flower. Guus Hiddink will be taken up to heaven.

South Koreans will be allowed to go to the sacred Mount Geumgang by a land route. North Koreans, still, will not be allowed to go to Mount Geumgang at all.

After another accident and more candlelight vigils, we will learn that the nation's candles are made by a U.S. defense contractor. Long-named civic groups will hold a candle-burning rally. That priest with the beard and glasses will get his picture in the paper.

A new law will make it legal for motorcyclists to ride on sidewalks; no one will notice. Ha Ri-su will be named the cultural ambassador to Saudi Arabia. The Nobel Peace Prize will again go to a friend of tyrannical dictators. Itaewon will not get a new Starbucks.

Don't believe any of this? Look me up in a year and we'll count the hits and misses. I'll be the homeless monk with the cough.

by Mike Ferrin