When in doubt, be rude

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When in doubt, be rude

Let’s see, who’s really happy in this world, besides movie stars, rock gods and famous athletes? If you said nobody, you’re right.
Deep down, you want to be well-known. Sure, the Bible says that wisdom is better than fame, but a wise guy wrote that part.
Admit it, you’re kicking yourself for quitting guitar lessons when you were 14, only after a couple of weeks. If you had kept it up you’d be jamming now with the Stones.
The next best thing to being famous is to know someone famous. Meet a celebrity and you can brag about it for the rest of your life. Actually, though, it’s bad form to drop names. That’s some of the best advice I ever received -- and I still thank my close personal friend back home in the United States, Ben Affleck, for giving it to me.
So where in Itaewon can you have a brush with fame? You can try your luck at the swankier places, maybe the hotel bars, like JJs at the Hyatt. But you’ll be wasting your time. The place to go is G Bar, at the bottom of Itaewon’s row of gay bars, just down from the mosque. It’s a tad daunting -- it swings to the flamboyant side -- but if you’re lucky enough to be there when the celebs show, the payoff is big. You never know whom you’ll (though if you’re unfamiliar with the local movie stars, you won’t know you saw them).
Why is G Bar the best place? Well, to catch a celebrity, you have to think like one. You see, you go to Itaewon because you never go anywhere else. But celebrities go to Itaewon for a diversion. And the most interesting diversion the neighborhood offers is its gay bars, and G Bar is the biggest and classiest of them.
Celebrities prefer G Bar over the other gay bars because it’s cavernous, which helps them go unnoticed, and it has a glass-enclosed VIP room. The good thing about the VIP room is that it’s open to all, even lowlifes like you. Go back there and stake your claim for observing fame. If you’re lucky, the latest big actress-singer-model will drop in with an entourage and start draining tequila shots.
So a famous person is in your midst. Now it’s time to ingratiate yourself. How? According to the people who work at G Bar, you should be rude and lewd. Those TV stars are fawned over by their fans and handlers all day, evidently, and are just dying for some verbal abuse. If you make eye contact with a beautiful starlet, sneer and mutter insults under your breath. Unable to resist, she will invite you into her clique. To get in good, pretend that you’re doing her the favor, not vice versa.
The conversation should go something like this:
You: “I’ve seen you before, you brazen hussy.”
Her: “I’m an actress and a singer, I act on a drama.”
You: “No, that’s not it, stupid. It’s something else. You work at that bar down the street, what’s it called? Starbutts.”
Her: “I want to be your girlfriend.”
You: “Loser.”
After that, you’ll have to just wing it, but she should be all yours. And a wonderful and fulfilling relationship will ensue.
And Kim Jong-il will step down and free his people.


by Mike Ferrin
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